by Pamela Maize Harris | 22 November 2024 |
Treye McKinney is worried about having children of his own.
It’s not that he doesn’t love children. He does. He’s an educator, after all. But he and his brother were victims of a violent family.
The main abuser, his father, also happened to be the pastor of the church.
Eventually Treye escaped to Walla Walla University. But the violence didn’t end. His mother remained with Dad. Mom had a part to play, too, Trey says. She was not as violent as Dad, “but she participated in it and tolerated it.”
Treye says a lot of abuse is still going on in that home. His parents still live together. The patterns of abuse are deeply entrenched.
Both his parents were abused as well. That’s two generations with deep roots in Adventism, with secret violence in their home. Treye’s great-grandfather was also an Adventist pastor. For generations, it was all “swept under the rug.” And in those days divorce was so prohibited as to be unthinkable.
That’s what makes Treye worried about having his own family.
A long history
His parents fought from almost the day they got married, says Treye. His abuse began when he was in the womb. Over the years, Treye and his brother experienced horrific abuse.
But everything was hush-hush. His mom supported the cover-up. “Don’t air our family’s dirty laundry,” she said.
But how could the congregation, Sabbath School teachers, church school teachers, and friends help but know what was going on behind the closed doors of the pastor’s home? “I estimate that the physical abuse happened somewhere between weekly and monthly for over 20 years,” Treye says. Of course people knew! But they said nothing. It was a private family matter, after all!
Treye isn’t just talking about spankings that got out of control, although that did happen. The abuse included kicking, slapping to the face, punching, beating, smothering, body slamming, pinning to the floor, chasing and tackling, charging with threat to harm, throwing dangerous objects at him, breaking toys, destruction of property, and severe spankings with objects such as wire, whips, and plastic bats.
This traumatic existence of fear, betrayal, and brutal abuse—physically, emotionally, and verbally—had been going on for a couple of decades. Home was never safe, and brutal abuse could be triggered by anything anytime.
There were signs over the years, Treye says, “a few people knew something about it, but for the most part, it was covered up. A well-kept secret.”
It is terrifying to be trapped at home with a brutal abuser. Eventually Treye escaped to boarding school: a way out and a place to feel safe—except for home breaks.
At college, Treye slowly began to heal. He wrote about the family trauma in his English classes, and sought the services of the campus counseling resources. Since 2002 Treye says he has been in and out of therapy. “Most of the therapists I saw were not trained in or did not specialize in trauma, which is what I needed.”
In 2010 Treye’s therapist diagnosed him with PTSD resulting from his brutal childhood abuse. In 2020 the diagnosis was changed to Complex-PTSD (C-PTSD). The new diagnosis took into account the trauma that began at a very early age, was severe, and continued for a decades.
Therapy is costly and has been ongoing. Fortunately, new, advanced therapies have been developed to address severe mental health needs such as Treye has experienced.
The breaking point
Treye’s family faced another traumatic event on Christmas Day, 2002, halfway through his junior year at Walla Walla University. It came to light that his Seventh-day Adventist pastor father was having an affair with a 27-year-old meth addict whom he was, ironically, counseling. It was the first time that his dad’s sexual abuse had emerged, and it all became public.
“You resign tomorrow or I’ll turn you in,” Treye told him.
His father did resign. But Mom chose to stay with their abusive dad, and according to Treye, continues to live in that violent setting to this day.
Treye has had time to reflect, and many hours of therapy, and offers some thoughts about his journey, with suggestions, and the wisdom of experience.
- Abuse is cyclic in families. Those abused are more likely to abuse, and need support as early as possible. Abused people need intensive therapy to heal and intervene in the cycle. They also need highly trained therapists with specialties in trauma and C-PTSD, and therapists who give referrals to specialists.
- Seminaries and schools of theology should screen for violent childhoods, Treye suggests. “Don’t take everyone. Have serious conversations in the application process not just about theological beliefs, but does pastoring really suit the applicant?”
- “We are only as sick as the secrets we keep.” Treye applies the Alcoholics Anonymous adage to the Seventh-day Adventist world, urging transparency, open discussion, listening, and training.
- Teachers should be taught to identify abuse. Because the Adventist educational system is one of the largest private school systems in the world, teachers have a unique standpoint to identify abuse. Skilled counselors with trained specialties in trauma should be staffed adequately. Boarding schools could play an important role in reporting abuse. In fact, in many states it’s a legal obligation.
- Perpetrators can be anyone—teachers, pastors, Pathfinder leaders, parents, church members, anyone with power over—and should be held accountable, whether the abuse is verbal, emotional, physical, and/or sexual. Treye believes that if the perpetrator is a church employee, accountability should include funds to pay for the victims’ therapy, as well as prevention.
- Adventists should be on the lookout for red flags and speak up. People see things. Treye believes too many people turned their heads, but he believes people suspected.
- Always report abuse. Treye now lives in Colorado, where because of the Columbine school shooting, their new laws are the Gold Standard among the states. It is blatantly illegal not to report; it’s an obligation. Colorado has an 800-number for students to call, which also addresses suicide presentation. “If you see something, say something” is plastered all over schools. Victims need to be empowered. Adventist schools and churches need to give victims tools. We need to be proactive, and not ignore red flags.
- Victims must tell their stories. Change must happen. Openness must prevail.
This is the first in a series that Adventist Today will be publishing about domestic abuse in Adventist workers’ families. Is Adventist clergy domestic violence at epidemic levels in pastors’ homes? Some therapists think so.
Treye has spoken out to tell his painful story. He hopes to prevent such violence from happening to other families. Treye should be enjoying his own life and family instead of worrying about having children, and healing from an evil predatory childhood in an Adventist minister’s home.
Pamela Maize Harris is retired from teaching journalism at Southern Adventist University. She isAdventist Today’sEditor for Investigative Reporting.
